Originally posted May 21, 2018
It's so very easy to get caught in the under current that is comparison and let it take you deep into the ocean of self-doubt.
"I'm not doing enough."
"I'm not doing it right"
"Why can they do that and I can't?"
The ego gets really caught up in this wave and fights so hard to swim against it. Flash to a scene from a scary ocean movie - a person fighting against the waves, coming up for the big inhale, only to be pulled under again. Up and back down, up and down again. Arms flailing, trying to find control in what is greater than the human body - nature.
Oh, the poor ego. Always trying to protect us. Working against the wave with fear and worry. "What will happen if I go out there? I can't do this. I won't survive."
Back to the movie - the current pulls the body into the ocean and suddenly there's a calm. The person is faced with nothing but themself, floating in the vast ocean, no one around to compare to, nothing to do but breathe.
When the ego, the comparison, the self-doubt, the worry and the fear is stripped away - what's left? What will you find when you come back to you?
In February, when I was feeling the deep solitude of winter lay heavily on my heart, I begin planning trips for the summer to pull me out of my winter funk. I knew that trips would give me something exciting to look forward to when the snow had melted and the sun traveled closer to our hemisphere once again.
Surprisingly, my first trip planned was one of solitude, with a little bit of visiting friends mixed in. I planned to travel through the Great Lakes Region, camping with my dog at National Forests along the way. We would eventually land in the sweet city of Minneapolis to visit a good friend for a few days and then head back out to camp until we reached warmer beds in NY.
There was no telling what my state of mind would be when planning this trip so far in advance. Now that it's a day away, I know that it is perfect timing. My ego and I have been hanging out in comparison land for a bit together and it's time to let that fall away and come back to my Self.
My ego has been nervous, worried, fearful and yet deeper in, I am so ready and needing this trip. My ego wants to swim, my Self wants to ride the wave.
Into the vast ocean I go to reconnect with myself and the inner voice that's trying to speak but is too quiet to be heard above the ego's loud speeches. My laptop will stay home, my phone time will be limited, my email will remain unopened. I'm ready and excited for this break and as it sneaks closer, my ego/fear is starting to submit, knowing that this is happening no matter what.
I'm sure that it will try to sneak a few words in during the trip but it won't be driving or touching the radio. (Thanks for the tip, Liz Gilbert.) Come along for the ride, ego. Let's see where we end up in this ocean.
Big Love ~ Mackenzie